Prayers

Case's prayer tonight:
"Thank you Jesus for giving us money so we can give it to people in need."

Melted my heart.

I Didn't Know

Siahna goes to a weekly gym class and last week they put 5 hula hoops of different colors out on the floor and then dropped balls of the same 5 colors into the middle of the circle and asked the kids to sort the balls and put them in the matching hula hoop.

Sometimes I cringe at the different activities because I feel like it puts a spotlight on Siahna's deficits. 

I cringed when they announced this activity because I figured she'd run out there and put balls in the wrong colors and just think it was a game.

Boy was I wrong!

I didn't even explain the game to her a 2nd time when the teachers were done.  She ran right out along with the other 15 kids and picked up a red ball and put it in the red hoop.

I thought, "She just got lucky."

She picked up a blue ball and put it in the blue hoop and then kept going back for red balls and putting them all in the red hoop.  I grabbed a yellow ball and gave to her and she put it in the yellow hoop.

Man did I feel dumb.  I had just underestimated my kid.  I assumed she couldn't do.  But, I sure am glad when she proves me wrong time after time. 

Beauty

There is beauty.

There is beauty in our story.

There is beauty when he laughs.

There is beauty when I am with him.

There is beauty in the way he loves me.

There is beauty in the scars on his hands. 

There is beauty because of his love for Jesus.

There is beauty (so much beauty) in his voice.

There is beauty when I see his heart for others.

There is beauty in his provision for our family. 

There is beauty when I watch him play with his kids.

There is beauty in knowing that he will never give up.

There is beauty in his eyes when he greets me with a kiss.

There is beauty when he says, "I have a secret to tell you..."

 

There is beauty when his eyes fill with tears because I'm hurting.  

There is beauty in his determination to do something, and do it well.

There is beauty seeing his kids run to the door when he comes home.

There is beauty all around me and I never want to miss a second of it.

Need You Now

Lyrics from Plumb:
Click here to hear the song

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Where's The Line?

Where does one draw the line between having high expectations for your child and not believing in them enough?

Where do you draw the line between believing that your child will be able to function on their own when they're an adult and accepting that the reality may not be that?

Where do you draw the line between believing in the power of prayer and accepting that this is your "normal"?

Where do you draw the line between hope and denial?

When you look at your child and think how life would be so different if it weren't for these damn delays, that line gets blurred because every parent has dreams for their child and every parent wants the best for their child and every parent wants to believe that their child will do great things.  At the end of the day, you know it really doesn't matter where that line is when she wraps her arms around your neck because somehow she comforts YOU and let's you know that she's going to be okay.

Unique

For three years Jeff and I have been traveling a road with Siahna that's hard to describe.  Sometimes this road is bumpy with a new twist around every turn.  Sometimes it seems to go on forever with no change in scenery.  More often than not, this road has been lonely.

This week I had coffee with a friend who is going through a divorce.  She was telling me how five years ago when she and her husband had separated because of the same thing that finally led to their divorce, she had gone to a group therapy session where she shared her story with other women going through a similar situation.

When her story was over, a woman leaned over and said, "Your story isn't all that unique, you know."  Maybe not when you're sitting in a therapy session of similar stories but her story was unique to her.

Unique - being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else.

After leaving coffee with this friend, my heart ached because I often wish more than anything that we did not have a unique story.  How I wish Dr.'s and therapists didn't scratch their heads and say, "We've never seen another child like this.  We're not sure how to help or what direction to take or what is causing the delays."  How I long to have a group of parents to turn to for support and ask what they did, what helped, how they got through it (if you ever really get through it).

And yet, I don't.  I'm afraid that if I meet other parents standing in our shoes, my hope for Siahna will be diminished.  I'm afraid that if I meet an older child like her but not functioning on their own that I will stop believing that Siahna will be healed.  

All of us have an unique story.  I would like to share where I am on our journey.  Not for you.  Not because I want people to feel sorry for me.  I need to share because I need to see how far we have come.